Gary Barlow is not Beyonce

As political/musical alliances go, David Cameron and Gary Barlow is hardly Obama and Beyonce. I’ve just had the dubious pleasure of viewing a Conservative campaign event on the television, filmed at a school in Nantwich, wherever that might be (somewhere between west London and Manchester, I suspect). fortunately, I missed the overture, but from what I could glean, Gary did a number, accompanied by the school orchestra, before talking almost unintelligibly about the importance of musical youth… blah blah blah… as usual he seemed stoned, although I’m convinced he’s not that interesting. Then Cameron came on and excruciatingly namechecked Florence and the Machine and I-macs, and revealed that he was into 80s bands like, erm, Oasis and Radiohead. Then Gary wibbled on about being inspired by his music teacher to get into Javanese music (which is obviously more than evident in Take That’s oeuvre) and make instruments out of old atlases that he found in the bin, or something. Meanwhile, in the background, the children of the Nantwich International Orchestra all began to look increasingly depressed and bored and started fiddling with their G strings. Anyway, no one looked like they particularly wanted to be there and… ooh, now BBC Parliament have cut to a clip of Nick Clegg. That’s more like it. He is cool. His wife is Spanish.

I also want to write about I Am Love, which is completely splendid. Apart from the obvious pull of Jil Sander costuming and the fact that it’s about the downfall of an haute bourgeois Milanese fashion dynasty, Michelin starred cuisine is used as a trope and the first love scene is between Tilda Swinton and a plated prawn starter.

Tilda for Prime Minister.

The Big Gay Flashmob

Goddess bless David Cameron and his rather shabby attempts to court the queer vote. He no doubt thought it’d be a walk in the park… sorry, more likely one of those funny little private garden squares in Notting Hill) after he published his oh so honest list of conservative MPs (so some Tories are homosexual? How fabulous. Does it mean that they’re not actually self-serving traitors to their own community? Come now (actually, I’d rather you didn’t – my name aint Monica and you’re not welcome in this oval office)). The latest, as everyone knows, from the party (whatever) with the most appalling record of voting on gay rights issues, not to mention systematic homophobia of their own design during their reign, is that the shadow home secretary thinks that it’s OK to turn us away from guest houses whilst managing to keep a straight (you betta believe it) face and claim that he’s not homophobic.

Ho hum… not content with giving David Cameron’s portrait a dragover last weekend and deciding that he looks much more fierce when working a beaded lash and purple blusher, I’ve decided it might be fun to attend a fabulous street party outside their HQ on Sunday. The weather forecast is clement and if Zilla Killer is there we’ll join the kiss in.

Maybe Cameron will turn up and then we can all get a good look at his hair plugs.

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